Thursday, September 29, 2011
Today, I am reminded of how little in control I am of my life. Just when I think I have it all together, I am put on hold and waiting for results of my MRI, trying not to be anxious.
MRI's are interesting experiences, aren't they? For those of you who have had one, the last thing you want to be is claustrophobic and have to have an MRI. On top of it, try going in because of severe headaches and listen to the loud drumming sounds for the 30 minutes required of screening.
While in the "isolation tube," I decided to keep my eyes closed and just focus on Jesus. In addition, I used the drum sounds as the baseline beat to several Christian hymns flowing through my mind. As a result, "the peace that passes all understanding guarded my heart and mind in Christ Jesus" as promised in Phillipians.
The problem seems to come though AFTER the MRI. As I drove home, I lost that focus somehow. The "What If's?" started to haunt me. The dizziness and pressure did not abate on top of it all.
I wish the technician had not told me the results would be ready in an hour. Knowing this, I thought I would surely get results today. (I know, optomistic and naive, right?)
I forced myself to go for a bike ride hoping fresh air and the beauty of an impending fall would cheer my spirits and renew my faith. As I biked, I listened to my favorite podcast by Adrian Rogers. Guess what the sermon was about as I biked?
He reminded me how God's time and God's timing are different from our own. How in learning patience we need to focus on the support God has provided in our past and trust in God's promises for hope of the future.
So I remembered.
I remembered how this past year God healed my sister-in-law, Tabby from liver/abdominal cancer. A miracle!
I remembered how God took my extreme fear of death and had me hold the hand of my father first as he transitioned to heaven and then hold the hand of my mother as she followed him a year later. I no longer fear death. A miracle!
I remembered how in the midst of losing my career, God brought me a wonderful little girl to be my daughter. I went from an aging career woman to an old, grateful mother of a 10-year old, a Sarah in 2011. A miracle!
I remembered how often Satan attacks me with bouts of depression only to find God's Word spreading light and hope in my heart each day. I hunger for His Word as my daily medication of Truth and Perspective. A miracle!
I remembered how I battled food addiction only to be set free this past year as God reminded me in a wonderful Bible study how Jesus came to set the captive free. A loss of 55 lbs. in a year for His glory! A miracle!
I hope in God's promises throughout the Bible that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and that He knows me so well and loves me and hears my cry (Psalm 22, Psalm 139,1 John 4:4...and so much more).
So I wait...and remember...and hope.
God knows best. God loves me.
It is His time.
For His Glory,